It's all been done before
by Psychodahlia
Summary: Rating may go up. A parody of those Mary-Sue stories that are so popular. Reviews appreciated. Fourth chapter added. I'm going to burn for this one...
1. Default Chapter

Once upon a time there was a girl. She lived in America and had the stereotyped crappy American family. Her dad beat her and her mom was a bitch and she got lousy grades even though her I.Q. was equal to that of Chiriko.  
This girl loved anime and one day she went to the library with her best friend who was the only one who understood or cared about her at all.  
The girl's name was Eternity. Or Destiny. Or Yume. Or Hikari. Take your pick. She was related to Miaka/ was Miaka's best friend/ pen pal, or had read about Miaka. Again, take your pick.  
Her friend's name was something dull and ordinary. Let's just call her....Ashley. Yeah, that'll do.  
So anyway, they were at the library and....hang on. I forgot something.  
  
Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny was beautiful. Very beautiful. Extremely beautiful. She had waist length red hair and sparkling blue-green eyes that were the gateways into her equally beautiful soul. And her Japanese school girl uniform (Yes Virginia, they do wear Japanese school girl uniforms in the U.S.A.) fit her perfectly slim body wonderfully and showed off every curve.  
One day she went to visit the library. She had to return the book she borrowed, War and Peace, after all. She had found it amazingly easy. She had also read it in original Russian. Yes, Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny could read Russian. Along with Japanese, French, Spanish, Arabian, Eskimo and Klingon. This was clear by the fact that she would randomly used Japanese in the middle of her sentences, like: "Hai, I would like to return watashi no book!" In fact the only language she was not fluent in was English, as evidenced by many misspellings.  
Once she had returned the book, Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny wandered around the library in search of something more challenging, like Dick and Jane. While she was wandering around a book labled 'Shijin Tenchi Show' fell off the shelf and landed at her feet. Picking it up she decided to check it out. She made this decision because it gave off a glowing red light, and while any sane person would have assumed this was some kind of dangerous chemical radiation, Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny knew instantly that it was magic because she felt that it was calling her in some mysterious inexplicable way. After checking it out she bid farewell to her friend Ashley and went home.  
Once again her family messed her up and caused some severe psychological damage. It never occurred to Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny to actually tell someone she was being abused, that would make sense. No, she decided to tough it out and wait for her true prince to come and save her.  
After her family was done acting like bastards, Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny cried in her room. Glancing at the book, she logically decided that it would make her feel better if she read it. 'Who knows,' she thought, 'maybe it will take me away to a magical place with magic and bunnies and a bunch of hot guys willing to cater to my every whim.' So she opened the book and was immediately transported to a magical place.  
Except that magical place was in trouble. There was a war going on with a neighboring country and only Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny could stop it because she was the Priestess of Genbu. Or Byakko. Or Suzaku. Any one of those. It just can't be Seiryu. Seiryu was evil, remember?  
So the emperor of [insert country of your choice here] asked Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny to be the Priestess. She gave a few meek protests about how she wasn't worthy since she was just a normal ordinary girl but gave in in the end. So she became the priestess of whatever. Like we didn't see that coming.  
So then Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny decided that she should find her seishi, or as she called them, senshi. So she gathered a few supplies and the one guy she had already found who declared his undying love to her and went off in search of girls in short skirts fighting in the name of the moon.  
No, she went off in search of pretty boys in short skirts fighting in the name of the moon.  
Still isn't right. Okay, she went off in search of pretty boys wearing not much fighting in the name of her. There we go!  
It was then that the author decided to end the chapter as she was tired of writing and had homework to do.  
Fushigi Yugi is copyrighted to Yuu Watase. I hope I'm spelling that right. Probably not. Oh well.  
  
Author's notes- Yeah, this is a response to the 3,000 Mary-Sue stories out there in the Fushigi Yugi section alone. Very irritating to see some thirteen year old twit post three stories starring her equally annoying made up character and get four hundred responses for a bunch of spelling errors and no plot while I scan my brain to try and think up something original, use spell check and two responses. This is my way of releasing my frustration and jealousy. My therapist said I should do it. 


	2. Once more, with cliches!

When last we left our heroine, she had decided to become the Priestes of...oh let's say Suzaku. This was a pretty big step and the next part of the Mary- Sue algorithm was that she find the Suzaku Seishi.  
  
Now, Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny had already found a young man who was willing to follow her to the ends of the earth and his name was Tasuki. He had fallen in love with her the moment he set eyes on her and they had pledged their eternal love in long paragraphs with run on sentences and complete disregard for canon.  
  
An acceptable variation of this was that she fell in love with Chichiri, despite the fact that he was a monk. He has spiffy hair after all and nothing else matters.  
  
So Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny and Tasuki set out on their grand adventure and soon found Chichiri. Or Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny and Chichiri set out on their grand adventure and soon found Tasuki. Whichever.  
  
Either way they were all soon on their merry way when Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny was attacked! By bad people! Yay...I mean....oh no!  
  
Chichiri whipped off his hat and all three were soon standing at the home of Taiitsukun, or, She-of-hard-name-to-spell. Quickly, the Nyan-Nyan healed Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny, but not before one of the two males present made another pledge of eternal love to her and berated himself for not protecting her. Finally, She-of-hard-name-to-spell showed up. She congratulated Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny for coming so far on her quest, but assured the worst was still to come. She also declared her the most powerful miko in all mikodom, assured her of Suzaku's blessing, gave her several magical items, and all but gave her complete control of the universe.  
  
Back in the Real World, Ashley finally realized she wasn't on MTV and that her best friend was missing. Following basic logic she decided that the book Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny had checked out had dragged her into another world and the only way back home was to click her heels together three times and say: "I wish I wasn't a Mary-Sue. I wish I wasn't a Mary- Sue. I wish I wasn't a Mary-Sue."  
  
Rushing to Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny's living quarters, Ashley snuck in through an open window, using her ultra-cool stealth ninja skillz, and entered her missing friend's room. She looked around, looted some yaoi manga, and was about to leave, when she remembered her original purpose. She had to get Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny back so she could hit her up for money.  
  
Picking up the 'She Gin Tenshi Shao' Ashely used her uber leet ninja skillz and quietly left the house. She made her way to the park where she settled down on the bench and began to read.  
  
'Captain Jean-Luc Picard and Commander Riker beamed down on Romulus to engage in an all night orgy...' Ashley blinked and turned the book right side up. 'The Suzaku no Miko wrapped her slender arms around her true love's muscular frame and whispered how much she loved him.'  
  
'Wow!' Ashley thought. 'This is amazing! The only way this could be cooler is if I knew how to read Ancient Chinese and had some sort of clue as to what this was all about.' Shrugging off an obvious plot point, she continued looking at the pretty markings while the Suzaku no Miko's dramatic tale unfolded.  
  
Back in the book Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny sighed in torment. 'Man, I really have a wedgie.' She thought.  
  
Everything belongs to Pioneer, except my soul. I keep that in a plastic Ziploc bag with a pink ribbon around it. The only thing I am getting out of this parody is a bunch of nice reviews. ****Hands out digitalized cookies to reviewers**** Confidential to Atari- It's ok if you don't like my parody. There is no constitutional amendment that says everyone who reviews is going to love the story. If anything I respect you because you told why you didn't like, and you didn't use a cuss word in every sentence. You have as much right to dislike this as anyone else has to enjoy it. As a friend of mine would say, it's all cheese and crackers. Of course this works both ways and I have the right to go ahead and keep writing. 


	3. Well, it isn't that interesting

When last we left our heroine, she was in the home of Taiitsukun and  
  
had been healed. Of course, now that she was healed,  
  
Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny decided she wanted to go home. Yeah that's  
  
right, go home. Forget saving Konan, forget the hot guys willing to worship  
  
the ground she walked on, forget that she'd be going back to her crappy  
  
family, she wanted to go home.  
  
The ruler of the universe nodded sagely and did a mental Irish jig at  
  
getting rid of another Mary-Sue. She asked that the two seishi present  
  
surrender some of their power to sending the creature back home. They  
  
initially resisted, but after Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny gave a long,  
  
heartfelt speech about how her true home was with her abusive family  
  
instead of with people who could actually stand her, they both agreed to do  
  
whatever it took to make the Suzaku no Miko happy.  
  
So, Taiitsukun surrounded them all in magical bubbles, everybody got  
  
their shirt ripped off by the power generated, and  
  
Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny found herself back home.  
  
Ashley was nowhere to be seen. Shrugging her shoulders  
  
Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny went to eat dinner (it was the very Japanese  
  
meal of pizza) with her family. They promptly put up a screaming fest about  
  
where she had been and all that other shit before sending her to her room in  
  
tears.  
  
Later on her dad came up and threatened to rape her again. Yes, that's  
  
right. Again. See, Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny had a  
  
mysterious/painful/horrendous past and this was it. This was a feeble attempt  
  
to make the reader actually feel sorry for the fool.  
  
See, this is why she should have stayed in the book.  
  
Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny was crying, wondering how the world  
  
could be so cruel, and writing bad poetry about it when her beautiful eyes  
  
fell upon the book. Drying her eyes she decided to go back into the book,  
  
completely wasting the sacrifices made for her hours earlier.  
  
Two minutes later she found herself sitting on top of someone. Now,  
  
for normal people sitting on top of someone might be considered rude, but  
  
this was Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny, so the person only gave a muffled  
  
"Um..." and asked that she get off of them. She did and was immediately  
  
struck by how adorable the person was.  
  
When we say adorable, we mean fluffy little puppies and kitties  
  
adorable. We're talking so cute, it'll give you cavities and make you twitch.  
  
"Chiriko!"  
  
"Ma-Ma-Mary-sue!" Stammered the poor little genius. He glanced  
  
over her body and blushed as hormones commonly found in teenagers took  
  
over.  
  
You see, it's been a while since the reader has been forced to read  
  
several paragraphs about how beautiful Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny was,  
  
so we have to have Chiriko give a long, thoughtful internal monologue about  
  
how gorgeous the new miko is. However, due to time constraints, we'll just  
  
shorten it to a few OOC statements and leave it at that.  
  
'Wow. That chick's got some boobs on her. Man, I'd like to get jiggy  
  
with her.'  
  
And so, another unsuspecting member of the Suzaku no Seishi found  
  
himself under the spell of the Mary-Sue. Poor child.  
  
And so, miko and servant...I mean seishi, decided to go about their  
  
merry way and head for Konan, so Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny could  
  
return to saving the world.  
  
Unbeknownst to them, someone was watching! Someone  
  
eeeeeeeeeeevil. And hot. But mostly eeeeeeeeeeeevil.  
  
And that person's name was...........  
  
...........  
  
...........  
  
...........  
  
...........  
  
............  
  
............  
  
............  
  
..........  
  
.............  
  
..................  
  
.....................  
  
............  
  
.............  
  
..............  
  
...............  
  
................  
  
.........  
  
.............  
  
.............  
  
.............  
  
.............  
  
................  
  
..........  
  
............  
  
..........  
  
...........  
  
...........  
  
........  
  
............  
  
..............  
  
...........  
  
............  
  
Nakago! And he was eeeeeeeeeeeeeevil. And as he secretly watched  
  
the Suzaku no Miko and her young seishi, there was one thought on his  
  
mind:  
  
'Crap. Another one.'  
  
Author's notes- Well, this just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Don't ask me how Chiriko and Nagako are suddenly alive and kicking, 'cuz I have no clue. I just like Chiriko and Nagako. Such loveable characters....or not.  
  
Yes, Metajoker, I do have a problem with the name Hikari. Please get over it. 


	4. The transvestite who didn't believe

Nakago was pissed. Another Mary-Sue had come to Konan and that could only mean one thing: her best friend was going to enter the book, become Priestess of Seiryu, and torment him for the remainder of the fic.  
  
At this particular moment, Ashley randomly showed up. Don't know how.  
  
'Damn.' Nakago thought, rolling his eyes at the sight of the twit in front of him.  
  
'Hot damn!' Ashley thought, licking her lips at the sight of the hot guy in front of her.  
  
Nakago sighed. Might as well get this over with. "Oh! Look, it is the Priestess of Seiryu! Now we can finally take over Konan and destroy the followers of Suzaku. Oh joy! Oh rapture....oh hell." The last part was added when Ashley attached herself to Nakago and wouldn't let go.  
  
As he pried her off he vaguely wondered if there was an opening in a fandom that had a few less Mary-Sues running around.  
  
Meanwhile, somewhere else....  
  
Chiriko twitched. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair. Not only was he short and girly looking, now he had to put up with Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny.  
  
Maybe the Seiryu seishi needed a genius....  
  
No...bad Chiriko! Must stay loyal to Suzaku!  
  
Did the Seiryu seishi have this problem?  
  
No! Can't think like that!  
  
But Nakago was so hot....  
  
Where the hell had that come from?  
  
"Chiriko-chan! Look! There's Konan!" Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny shrieked. "I can't wait to see Tasuki again....to hold him in my arms and proclaim my undying love and devotion. Our love will be spread across the stars and all will look at us as guardians of true love and...Chiriko-chan?  
  
Sometime later some guards brought a small, pink haired child genius before Nakago. Said genius immediately explained his circumstances and asked for sanctuary.  
  
"Suzaku seishi, normally I would order you to suffer extreme torture, followed up with death. However, due to our shared misery at the moment, I propose a treaty."  
  
"Explain."  
  
"Put bluntly, we have the same problem."  
  
Ashley chose this particular time to burst in the room. "Hi Nakago! Guess what, I finally found something to justify my inexplicable hatred for Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny: My daddy wouldn't buy me a pony!" She burst into tears.  
  
"Wow. She's even more annoying than ours."  
  
"Right. So, you help us get rid of ours, and I'll help you get rid of yours."  
  
Chiriko nodded. "'Kay. Is Soi sauce around?"  
  
Nakago glared and cleared his throat. "Yes. With the exceptions of Miboshi and Ashitare, all of Seiryu's disciples are alive."  
  
"What happened to them?"  
  
"Miboshi decided that the whole 'inhabit others' bodies' thing wasn't working out and joined a therapy group for the undead. And Ashitare....have you ever heard of Wolverine from X-men?"  
  
Chiriko blinked. "Okay...um, could I please see Tomo and Soi then?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
Somewhere else....  
  
"Oh Tasuki! I love you so much!"  
  
"I love you more Mary-sue!"  
  
"No, I love you more!"  
  
Hotohori coughed and checked his watch. "Not to put and end to the joys of true love or anything, but we shouldn't start looking for the other seishi? 'Cause, y'know, we have to save the country and all that."  
  
Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny stopped snogging Tasuki. "Oh no! I forgot, I met Chiriko-chan on my way here and somehow we got separated and I'm sure it was the Seiryu seishi!"  
  
Chichiri arched an eyebrow. "Why do you think it was the Seiryu Seishi?"  
  
"Um...isn't it always?"  
  
So, the Suzaku seishi started on their heroic journey to rescue Chiriko. On the way, Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny was horribly injured.  
  
"I have a paper cut! I'll never survive. It's better if you just go on without me..."  
  
Before Hotohori could agree, Tasuki cradled his wounded lover in his arms and made tracks for the nearest village in the hopes of finding a healer.  
  
Mitsukake sighed. "Do you really want me to do this? I mean, this is the third Mary-Sue this month. Shouldn't I be healing that horrendous wound on the emperor's arm that was inflicted by rabid cougars and has been left untreated for three days instead?"  
  
"Nah. That paper cut looks fatal."  
  
Back with Nakago and Chiriko....  
  
"Tomo! Soi! The evil one proclaims herself Nakago's true love!"  
  
As the two enamored seishi descended upon the helpless Mary-sue with the intent of ripping her to shreds, Nakago glanced at Chiriko. "You really are a genius."  
  
"Told you so."  
  
"Ever thought about going into politics?"  
  
"It's been my dream ever since Bush was elected."  
  
"Y'know kid, you and I are going to get along just fine."  
Having disposed of the Mary-Sue's annoying friend the two seishi discussed how to get rid of Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny.  
  
"I think we're going to need help." Nakago decided. So he used his ultra- cool powers and the two went dimension hopping. They returned an hour later with Brad Crawford, Sesshoumaru, Mr. Spock, Sauron, and Jesus.  
  
Before we go any further with this I should point out that the Bible has just as many Mary-Sue stories as any other category, and those are a lot more offensive. MARY, not Mary-Sue, was the mother of Christ. Also, putting yourself in a story where you are saved by Jesus himself and go on to become his most faithful follower and the only who doesn't betray him is really whack.  
  
Now that I've gotten that out of my system...  
  
Back to the story....  
  
With their powers combined, these seven became....the Sue Squad! Yeah!  
  
Back with Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny, things were getting worse. She was having trouble um...um...with something. I don't know what, she was just having trouble.  
  
So she decided to profess her love for Tasuki some more. This didn't go over well with Nuriko, so s/he decided to go Chiriko-hunting. After a few days of random wandering s/he showed up at the Sue Squad's headquarters (located in Missouri) and rang the doorbell.  
  
Jesus answered. "Hi."  
  
Nuriko blinked. "Hi. Is Chiriko here?"  
  
"Yeah, c'mon in."  
  
"Thanks. Name's Nuriko."  
  
"Nice to meet you. I'm Jesus."  
  
Nuriko glanced at him. "Yeah, sure."  
  
"No, really. I am."  
  
"Riiiight. Hey, if you're from the Middle East, and I'm from Ancient China, how can we speak the same language?"  
  
Let's just ignore that little plot point and skip to where Nuriko met the rest of the Sue Squad.  
  
He was dubbed 'Secretary' and promptly made a list of Sesshoumaru's hair care products.  
  
Meanwhile....  
  
Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny was filled with angst. She had become a goddess and was using her unlimited powers for good but Tasuki felt that he, a mere mortal, was unfit to love such a wondrous creature and had ended the relationship with tears in his eyes.  
  
Since this is not in the least bit interesting we'll take it back to the Sue Squad.  
  
"Human, if you dare touch my tail again, I'll feed your entrails to Jaken."  
  
"That would not be logical. As we all suffer from Evil, it would make sense if we refrained from destroying each other it would far more productive."  
  
"Shut up, Hanyou."  
  
"I can see this won't work..."  
  
"How interesting. An omnipotent human."  
  
"No, I'm psychic. He's omnipotent."  
  
"Oh yeah."  
  
Nakago rubbed his temples and wished for advil. This wasn't working out quite the way he had planned.  
  
Author's notes: OKAY, if I don't get at least 5,000,000 reviews 4 my chpter I'm not gonna rite another one, k? This will be the last chapter of my famous fic ever if I don't get reviews! You don't want that do you? REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!  
  
Author's notes: Wow. I'm so going to hell. Funny thing about this chapter is that while I was writing it I kept on making typos, more than usual. I guess writing a Mary-Sue does kill your brain cells. I'm not joking about the Bible fics, I've actually seen those storylines. Nothing is sacred. 


	5. Graphite and a rock

Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny was not pleased. As she cuddled down with her One True Love (Tasuki) she narrowed her eyes and began plotting how she could overthrow the Sue Squad.  
  
Except then, Tasuki rolled over and began snoring and OMG, he looked soooooooo kawaii! ****Fangirl squeal****.  
  
Moving on.....  
  
Nakago rubbed his temples and desperately wished that Tylenol had been invented. The Sue Squad was trying to decide the best course of action to take to wipe out the most Mary-Sues in the least amount of time and, not to anybody's surprise, they all had differing opinions.  
  
"I say we summon a demon to inhabit the body of a young girl and..."  
  
"We use the Ring!"  
  
"That is illogical. We should work together to use our powers to further our cause."  
  
"Sesshoumaru, I love your hair!"  
  
"Touch my hair again and they won't find your remains."  
  
"He who lives by sword, dies by the sword."  
  
"I wouldn't use my sword to kill him."  
  
"It applies to other weapons too."  
  
In the end it was decided they would go around to the different universes and kill off whatever Mary-Sues they could find.  
  
"I do not kill."  
  
"Look at them as demons, they're not human."  
  
"It's life Lord, but not as we know it."  
  
It was decided that the first universe they would visit would be the Weiss Kreuz universe, otherwise known as the Knight Hunters universe, otherwise known as the White Cross universe, otherwise known as the Gluhen universe, otherwise known as the Red Cross with lots of blood but not a single blood drive in the whole series universe.  
  
Mary-Sue wailed in anguish and her One True Love, Ken, stepped between her and the bullet and thus sacrificed his life to save hers.  
  
Ok, so maybe he did that to get away from her but that's beside the point.  
  
"Hold it right there Mary-Sue!"  
  
Mary-Sue looked up and gasped. There were a bunch of hot men standing before her. And they were posing! As she ran up to them Brad Crawford pulled out his gun and shot her in the head. She died in a pool of her own angst and there was much rejoicing.  
  
Wow. That didn't take much.  
  
Sesshoumaru revived Ken with that ultra nifty sword of his and Jesus heard the confession of every named character in the series and forgave them their sins. Sadly, in doing so, there was no more need for angst, hence, less fans drooling over angsty pretty boys, ergo less merchandise.  
  
Somewhere in Japan Takehito Koyasu wailed in anguish. He quickly rounded up Gackt and a few other J-rock stars and they went on to make an anime series called: Red Cross: The story of four pretty boys working at blood drive. There will be angst! And blood! But mostly angst!  
  
Meanwhile, the Sue Squad went on to the Lord of the Rings Universe.  
  
"Oh Legolas, I love your hair!"  
  
"Nuriko, please shut up."  
  
However, a grim surprise awaited our heroes in Lord of the Rings land. There was no Mary-Sue but something far worse......  
  
Canon-Sue! Where Author Created Characters (ACC) acted like your average thirteen year old girl.  
  
"Oh Gimli! Let's have a tea party. With crumpets!" The Sue-Squad stared in shock as Aragon pranced around in pink tutu while carrying a teapot.  
  
Chiriko clung to Nakago. "Do we have to do this?"  
  
"Yes." The Shogun answered. It should be noted that he was turning slightly green when he said it.  
  
In the end it was Sesshoumaru that ended the Sue's existence. He was later seen filing his claws down in a feeble attempt to get rid of all the Sue- germs.  
  
Yume/Hikari/Eternity/Destiny narrowed her eyes in anger as she watched all of this in her magic mirror. The Sue Squad would not attack her kingdom of Fushigi Yugi fanfiction yet, but they were coming closer. Meanwhile, she built up her power by forcing Tasuki to choose between her and Chichiri. He eventually chose them both in a heartfelt speech about how they were both dear to his heart and he wanted to sleep with each of them. That night, Mary-Sue was in the middle.  
  
End.  
  
Author's notes- That last line scared me too. This whole story has gotten weirder and weirder and I shudder to think about how it'll end. 


End file.
